Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wrapping Up With Fanfare

And so it is that the end of this marvelous year is coming to an end. I feel blessed for having so many good moments, experiences and the opportunity that life gave me to cross with many wonderful human beings.

This year I decided to enjoy the small things in life that really count. I reconnected with friends; I organized my schedule to have more quality time with my kids; I was open to meet new interesting people; I started sharing my thoughts and dedicated time to do the things I am passionate about. I tried every day to let myself be free, to enjoy life like crazy, laughing out loud and pouring lots of smiles.

It was a tough year economically because of the international and local crisis, but I didn’t let this be a stone in my road, I new for sure that everything was going to be ok as long as I kept being positive and working hard; like it has been said so many times, with every crisis there is an opportunity, and my opportunity was to have more time to grow spiritually in spite of having to extremely tighten up my expenses.

True love hasn’t yet come to my door, but despite this there are no worries whatsoever. I am positively sure that there is someone especial for me somewhere in the globe and we will meet when ever the time is right.

Folks I feel so happy that I am about to burst. Yet there where some days that I had experienced sad moments that come with life and I didn’t want to ignore, because fortunately, I have the acquired resources to move on, and make of every hard time, a space to learn, to forgive myself and others, and try to see the beauty within.

I feel at peace. Such an incredible feeling, I longed for many years in my past.

For everything I am cheerfully grateful!! And as Life Coach Susan Liddy recommended, here is MY GRATITUDE LIST.

I am thankful for:

- My caring, charming and sweet loving son Sebastian. He brings joy to my life in every sense.

- My merry, gracious, outgoing and sweet loving son Nicolas. He inspires me with his thoughts and his wishes to create things and be a better person.

- My family that is always there for me with their selflessly love.

- My true friends, few but unconditional.

- My life friends, with whom I have laughed, enjoyed, danced, singed and have lots of unforgettable memories.

- My work that I take pleasure in doing it.

- My City that I love and delight me with its parks and architecture.

- My lovers, with whom I have had magic, hectic moments.

- My health

- My past: good or bad, sad or gay, tough or simple.

- My capacity to ask for help and let myself be strong to move on, even when I think I have no longer strength.

- Music, all of it.

I could go on a on naming everything I am grateful for, but now I will take some time to think about my new year’s resolutions, and plan how can I continue my work on being a better person, of helping others and of course trying to let myself BE FREE FROM MYSELF.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Butterfly Strokes

It has been quite a while now, and I have been truly enjoying the pleasures of feeling free, of being independent and of rediscovering the wonders of life. I have been savoring the results of surrounding myself with positive energy, beauty, peace of mind, inner tranquility, love, joy and leaving behind the prejudice, fear , low esteem, and any kind of influence from others.

It is the commitment I have decided to make on a daily basis. As I start everyday with a smile ,being grateful with all I already have, then go through the hours trying to do my best, enjoying, finding solutions wherever any kind of eventual problem arrive, living fully each blessed second, having amusing times and sharing with others my thoughts, accomplishments, dreams, I believe that in a sense, I am trying to encourage others to feel free as well.

Sometimes I guess I sound as if everything I describe seems so very easy to earn, but that is not true, it takes one step at a time, never throwing in the towel and always moving forward. After a while the exercise of letting go of the dark shadows from the past, the already set vices, the remembrance of those days you once felt blissful and seem so far away, will become easier.

Right now I can proudly confess that I am beginning to have control over my own inner and outer life. There is still so much to work on, learn and experience, but I strongly make certain that I am transiting the right path and wow, it feels really amazing.

Learning to live with your new self, your free spirit and your new desire to live profoundly is a road I have never walked through until now.

Friends I carry the need to express my experience through these lines and I have the sincere desire that it will be helpful for those who need positive changes, or have lost their way in the chaos of existence.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Becoming a Free Person

Once we can leave in the past the constant rules that we should be how others expect us to be, that what we like or do or feel need the approval from others, the judgment and the criticism, we can start becoming a free person.

Whether we use crazy outfits, walking through the streets with the look of everyone at us, or dancing believing that we are a famous dancer, or getting in and out of relationships without getting wounded or whatever our choices are, that represent ourselves, we have to feel free to express them. Do not fear. Once we have accomplished this, we will feel inside of us satisfaction, joy and peace.

I have been criticized, censured, disaproved and had many people around me trying to turn me down, but once I learnt to love myself and to trust me , it was easier to manage these aggressions, and I even profit from this by realizing who it really mattered to me to be part of my life.
I once told my dear younger brother that I understood what he said about everybody loving me and their worries about me, but I would only care about those that could love me and accept me as I was, even if I had different opinions or views. About the rest, I wasn´t interested.

I believe the world is upside down, everyone looks outside, instead of inside, I hate the judgments or critics, who are we to judge? Do we have the absolute knowledge of things? Why we consider ourselves better than others? There are so many questions that come to my mind.
We are just human beings, trying to live in harmony, love and peace. Why is it so difficult to obtain this?

I can assure you that I struggle every day to let myself be free, to look at life without all the layers of standardized concepts that were injected to us since we were born.

Every day is a new one to live, to experiment, to enjoy, to thank, to learn and to give.
Nurture your dreams, yours feelings, your inner voice, your desires and LIVE.

We have this wonderful gift named LIFE. I do not want to waste it away. There are so many greatful things. I will continue with my search of happiness and fulfillment. Now I know I am not alone, I have my circle of trust, my kids that I love, my family that respects me, my friends that laugh with me and do not judge me and the strength to continue even when I fall, because I know I can get right up and step forward with a SMILE.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Reformatting the Hard Drive.

I allowed myself another shot at finding happiness. Starting over was my goal and healing from the wounds of the past. Now I had a future ahead of me and I had to prepare myself. Fixing my relationships with the people I loved, getting to know me better, hearing my inner voice and trusting my acts.

At the beginning these slow changes affected the people that surrounded me. Everybody was concerned about me, I used to please others, but this time I was starting to please myself. So nobody could understand the change, and usually we humans are scared of changes. I met all kinds of people, continued with the search of finding out more about life and experiences and started to make my own. It was not easy, I still struggled with balancing my home and my career. But little by little with a once a week 45´therapy that kept me focused in healing I started to get more confident.
I was told I had to reformat my hard drive and start all over. I was alone now and I had to begin organizing my life.
Work was going better, still I couldn´t find the space to have good quality time with my kids and time alone for myself.
One day a friend of mine wisely told me that I had to profit the time I had alone, when my kids went with their father, to do the things I wanted and didn´t have the time. So I accepted that advice.
It was great to have time for myself, to rest, to enjoy with friends or to have moments of solitude to meditate. This was of so much help.
I began to say out loud what I thought, commented my ideas or way of thinking. Obviously nothing was approved and I was considered a rebel or someone who had her values upside down.

After a while of keeping in line with my thoughts and acts and proving that I was doing better in all aspects of my life, others started to look me different. My change made others change as well

Finally after all those years I started to get some acknowledgements. Not that I was looking for them, but It made me feel great.

Being " selfish" was one of the positive changes for me, the idea was first to think of myself, then when I knew how I felt or what I wanted I could start to give others. We have heard the phrase that we should love others like the way we love ourselves, so first we have to love ourselves and then we will be prepare to love others.

I looked at the simple things in life and I considered myself lucky. All my successes and shortcomings made me the person I was, and since I started to love myself, I embraced all that happened to me, good or bad, and grew from experiences.

My vision towards life was amazing, I was discovering new feelings and sensations, I started to laugh and smile more.

Keeping feelings like "fear" or "guilt" only slowed the process, so I dusted myself off and seized the reins of my life. I was not perfect, I made mistakes, I had a lot to learn , but my actions where moved by good intentions, so whatever I did wrong, I would think about it and I would try to learn from it and move on.

We should never lose Hope. We can achieve our goals, It will take little time or we will have to wait longer, but with commitment and hard work we can make everything happen.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Touching Bottom

I was once told, by one of the many shrinks I visited in a one year period, that I was living a life in my imagination, a fictitious reality. And that was the truth.

Living abroad, far from family and friends, trying to do my best, believing I was some kind of modern wonder woman, kept me immersed in a bubble of perfection, until little by little that same bubble started to disintegrate.

I had a few hints that showed me that something was not going well, that I was not happy, I was not satisfied and I needed a change, but I kept putting those thoughts aside, as if they didn´t exist, but of course they did. And when you do not get them out, they will find a way.
Finally I had the strength to talk about my marriage displeasure. This wasn´t an easy task!
Days later I found out that I was expecting a new baby. The news came on hard on me,and the couple, of course, but being spiritual, gave me the tranquility to believe that this little angel was arriving for a reason. I was in peace with the baby´s arrival and I started to love him right away.
Anyhow, my life was getting more and more confusing.

After a few weeks of spilling silent tears and having fillings of sadness due to the impotence of not fixing my life as I wanted, depression started to knock my door.
I was admitted at the South Miami Hospital´s emergency room, due to a severe dehidratation, I think the tears dried me out. I knew I needed to be surrounded by all the people I loved, I needed them. I left the hospital at 2 am and went to my house to rest. The following morning I decided to get myself a makeover. I was so broken in the inside, that at least I had to look good on the outside.
That same day I travelled home on a 9 hour night flight, with my 2 year old son.
My trip was organized for two weeks, but in my despair, I wished never returning back.
In those 15 days, I visited two shrinks, talked with my parents and I tried to figure out my next move. My parents had different opinions. On the one hand, my mom said I had the responsibility of a family , a husband, a kid and a life in the US, so I had to go back fix things and then come back if it pleased me. On the other hand, my dad said he would prefer having me there to help me and accompany me in this hard process. I followed my mom´s idea, but It was so tough!

The day of my departure, my whole family was reunited to greet me. I looked at them from the car, turn my head on the side and desperate tears dropped from my eyes. I thought that was going to be the last time I saw them. My pain was so deep, that I completely believed that I wasn´t going to survive.

Back in " real life", out of nowhere an inner force appeared and I put myself to work on returning back home for good. I talked to my husband and I told him that I was going back, with him or without.
Three months later I had moved back to my hometown , we bought an apartment and had my new baby. I was happy to be home, but unfortunately I was not getting any better, I continued to be heartbroken and clueless. It was not time to finish a marriage, how could I? and I didn´t even know at this point what was I supposed to do.
I tried a few more shrinks without results.

One day having coffee I told my husband with all the sadness in my heart, feeling that I was about to stuck a knife in his heart, that I didn´t loved him, that I was not going to make him happy and that it was better to be separated.
He couldn´t accept that. My family neither. They said I should stay married until the kids were older, and regarding the home economy it would be wiser.
But, I thought to myself, is somebody taking into consideration my health? My heart? How can I live a life of lies, of pretend, of sorrow?

And on the brink of madness and realizing I was touching bottom a new horizon appeared in my life.
The possibility to have a therapy that would help me get out of my unhealthy environment and face life with a different point of view.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Journey

After falling again and again, still trying to find something I wasn´t quite sure what it was, I started to beleive that the years yet to come would be the beggining of a my new life.
And so it was.
On the early twenties my " adult life " began. I had a good loving husband, a new townhouse, an anxious Irish Setter, and the wonderful gift of motherhood. Everything was perfect.. or that was at least what it seemed.
Still, there was something missing.. and I didn´t have a clue about it. I enjoyed every moment of my life, I took care of my dog, my house, my husband, my baby.. but.. I forgot about someone very important. Myself.
It was on the following years, while I tried to cope with 2 c-sections, moving from the US to my hometown in South America, 1 divorce, depression, the guilt of having to become a full time working mom, the lack of a reasonable income, the loneliness, the arrival of a new love, the care of the children on my own, the constant diet issues, the euphoria of being again free and single, that I began to see how the person I had within was finally Rising.
Finally the pieces of my puzzled life where getting together. My family didn´t approve most of my ways of handling my stuff, so those old same feelings of not making them proud, of not understanding why they didn´t trust me, of them not knowing who I was, started to come back. But this time, I was stronger, I trusted myself, I had more self esteem, and I new my strenghs. So I fought!

I have No Regrets whatsoever of any choice in my life. I am grateful for all I had and If I had to start all over, I wouldn´t change a thing.

This huge process of looking inside myself was conducted by someone I admire and to whom I thank from the deepest of my heart for his support and encouragement during the most difficult moments of my life. My psychiatrist, Oscar.

Fitting In- The Adolescence.

For many years I didn´t feel confortable at home or at school . I always had the feeling of not belonging. It was quite awfull really, I guess many of you feel or felt the same way.I guess it was at that time when I started to try to find myself and find a way to fit in.
At first I started writing poetry.. but every word that came to my mind and came out in my writing was regarding death, sadness, mutual giving, and other feelings that demostrated what I felt inside: lonelyness and fear .
My parents didn´t know what to do, so they did nothing, not even a word. But in their minds I know now that they were preoccupied.
Then I started learning about life, couples, sex, values, religion. I read every trashy magazine I got hold of, I saw many PG18 movies , and i was.. 14?, 15? and I tried to absorb from every person I met the most about their feelings, their experience, their thoughts.. in a word, LIFE.

Still there was so much to learn, but a part of me pushed me to follow the right path, the one my family and my surrounding wanted for me. Meeting a nice guy, having a white wedding, having kids, live in a nice tidy house. I wanted this very much too, but on my own way, I guess. Or maybe I just wanted to elope from where I was. I will never know for sure, I just know that everything I ever did I felt in my heart and I was faithful to it.
So after living as much as I could in my teen years, I finally got married by the age of 19. I thought I was mature enough to commit, share a life with someone I loved and pursue my happiness in the meantime. But not all of that was certain. I was mature,yes, but I didn´t really knew myself. I wasn´t FREE.
I wasn´t Free from my fears, from the lack of my personal pride, from my low self-esteem, from my religion and from knowing who I really was inside of me and what i wanted from life I JUST WASN´T FREE FROM MYSELF.

Accepting Who We Are

Regarding my early years i can recall that my family was very caring and tender. My parents kissed me, they demonstrated me how much they loved me, took good care of me, they gave me all the love and all the care a parent could give, but i believe they didn't pay much attention to the person that was inside of me. I often laughed very strong and my mom used to tell me that laughing that way was not very educated. I couldn't understand at that time what she meant. Something was really funny and I just felt the urge to laugh my heart out. What was the problem with that?
Also I have been always delighted by good tasty food, but since I have memory, all i heard was that we should be skinny and some foods should be taken in small amounts. I thought there was a problem with me, or so that seemed.
At the age of eight they started taking me to see several doctors, I was not fat, but i guess i had a few more kilos than a girl my age should have. The doctors never found any illness or problem, so they just gave me hard diets to follow, and for instance, when there was a birthday party i was only allowed to have one sandwich and water. This sounds so dammed foolish to me. But the real problem here was not only that my parents wanted me to look good or have a beautiful thin daughter, the issue here was that for a girl my age this meant that they were not proud of me, they didn´t accept me as I was , and this my friends is a problem that many of us grow with.
We could use so many examples of similar situations growing up. Each one of us may have had a different story, but in the end it molds us and we take this feeling with us all our lives.
It is never late to feel proud and accept ourselves. As for me, I will have to diet all my life, but even tough I still have a few kilos more that the charts show as "normal" I am still a beautiful person and I love myself.


In many families they raise us with the idea that we have to do what everybody will approve, that if we belong to a certain social group there are things not allowed, like words, dress codes, etc. We have to please others and we have to follow certain rules. I know that we need guidedance and that our parents feel that they have to educate us as they were by they parents, but somehow in the middle they do not teach us to be ourselves, to look inside of us, to learn what is we really love, believe in, dream and feel and to get to know " who we are". Then we arrive to the adolescence and we start searching and searching where do we belong, in this search we find ourselves alone, we do not trust our parents, we do not have a true communication with them, so the search becomes a difficult tusk, it is a " test and error" search. This could be possitive for those kids that are strong and that inspite of their education they had great love and support from their family, but, what happens to those ones that feel really lost? They could end up loosing track of the road to follow and find themselves getting into problems. We do not what this to happen to our kids. I believe that we should encourage them since they are little to be who they are, and mold them to choose the right choices and most of all to love themselves. Each one of us is a unique wonderful living person. We should LOVE ourselves!