I allowed myself another shot at finding happiness. Starting over was my goal and healing from the wounds of the past. Now I had a future ahead of me and I had to prepare myself. Fixing my relationships with the people I loved, getting to know me better, hearing my inner voice and trusting my acts.
At the beginning these slow changes affected the people that surrounded me. Everybody was concerned about me, I used to please others, but this time I was starting to please myself. So nobody could understand the change, and usually we humans are scared of changes. I met all kinds of people, continued with the search of finding out more about life and experiences and started to make my own. It was not easy, I still struggled with balancing my home and my career. But little by little with a once a week 45´therapy that kept me focused in healing I started to get more confident.
I was told I had to reformat my hard drive and start all over. I was alone now and I had to begin organizing my life.
Work was going better, still I couldn´t find the space to have good quality time with my kids and time alone for myself.
One day a friend of mine wisely told me that I had to profit the time I had alone, when my kids went with their father, to do the things I wanted and didn´t have the time. So I accepted that advice.
It was great to have time for myself, to rest, to enjoy with friends or to have moments of solitude to meditate. This was of so much help.
I began to say out loud what I thought, commented my ideas or way of thinking. Obviously nothing was approved and I was considered a rebel or someone who had her values upside down.
After a while of keeping in line with my thoughts and acts and proving that I was doing better in all aspects of my life, others started to look me different. My change made others change as well
Finally after all those years I started to get some acknowledgements. Not that I was looking for them, but It made me feel great.
Being " selfish" was one of the positive changes for me, the idea was first to think of myself, then when I knew how I felt or what I wanted I could start to give others. We have heard the phrase that we should love others like the way we love ourselves, so first we have to love ourselves and then we will be prepare to love others.
I looked at the simple things in life and I considered myself lucky. All my successes and shortcomings made me the person I was, and since I started to love myself, I embraced all that happened to me, good or bad, and grew from experiences.
My vision towards life was amazing, I was discovering new feelings and sensations, I started to laugh and smile more.
Keeping feelings like "fear" or "guilt" only slowed the process, so I dusted myself off and seized the reins of my life. I was not perfect, I made mistakes, I had a lot to learn , but my actions where moved by good intentions, so whatever I did wrong, I would think about it and I would try to learn from it and move on.
We should never lose Hope. We can achieve our goals, It will take little time or we will have to wait longer, but with commitment and hard work we can make everything happen.