Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Touching Bottom

I was once told, by one of the many shrinks I visited in a one year period, that I was living a life in my imagination, a fictitious reality. And that was the truth.

Living abroad, far from family and friends, trying to do my best, believing I was some kind of modern wonder woman, kept me immersed in a bubble of perfection, until little by little that same bubble started to disintegrate.

I had a few hints that showed me that something was not going well, that I was not happy, I was not satisfied and I needed a change, but I kept putting those thoughts aside, as if they didn´t exist, but of course they did. And when you do not get them out, they will find a way.
Finally I had the strength to talk about my marriage displeasure. This wasn´t an easy task!
Days later I found out that I was expecting a new baby. The news came on hard on me,and the couple, of course, but being spiritual, gave me the tranquility to believe that this little angel was arriving for a reason. I was in peace with the baby´s arrival and I started to love him right away.
Anyhow, my life was getting more and more confusing.

After a few weeks of spilling silent tears and having fillings of sadness due to the impotence of not fixing my life as I wanted, depression started to knock my door.
I was admitted at the South Miami Hospital´s emergency room, due to a severe dehidratation, I think the tears dried me out. I knew I needed to be surrounded by all the people I loved, I needed them. I left the hospital at 2 am and went to my house to rest. The following morning I decided to get myself a makeover. I was so broken in the inside, that at least I had to look good on the outside.
That same day I travelled home on a 9 hour night flight, with my 2 year old son.
My trip was organized for two weeks, but in my despair, I wished never returning back.
In those 15 days, I visited two shrinks, talked with my parents and I tried to figure out my next move. My parents had different opinions. On the one hand, my mom said I had the responsibility of a family , a husband, a kid and a life in the US, so I had to go back fix things and then come back if it pleased me. On the other hand, my dad said he would prefer having me there to help me and accompany me in this hard process. I followed my mom´s idea, but It was so tough!

The day of my departure, my whole family was reunited to greet me. I looked at them from the car, turn my head on the side and desperate tears dropped from my eyes. I thought that was going to be the last time I saw them. My pain was so deep, that I completely believed that I wasn´t going to survive.

Back in " real life", out of nowhere an inner force appeared and I put myself to work on returning back home for good. I talked to my husband and I told him that I was going back, with him or without.
Three months later I had moved back to my hometown , we bought an apartment and had my new baby. I was happy to be home, but unfortunately I was not getting any better, I continued to be heartbroken and clueless. It was not time to finish a marriage, how could I? and I didn´t even know at this point what was I supposed to do.
I tried a few more shrinks without results.

One day having coffee I told my husband with all the sadness in my heart, feeling that I was about to stuck a knife in his heart, that I didn´t loved him, that I was not going to make him happy and that it was better to be separated.
He couldn´t accept that. My family neither. They said I should stay married until the kids were older, and regarding the home economy it would be wiser.
But, I thought to myself, is somebody taking into consideration my health? My heart? How can I live a life of lies, of pretend, of sorrow?

And on the brink of madness and realizing I was touching bottom a new horizon appeared in my life.
The possibility to have a therapy that would help me get out of my unhealthy environment and face life with a different point of view.