For many years I didn´t feel confortable at home or at school . I always had the feeling of not belonging. It was quite awfull really, I guess many of you feel or felt the same way.I guess it was at that time when I started to try to find myself and find a way to fit in.
At first I started writing poetry.. but every word that came to my mind and came out in my writing was regarding death, sadness, mutual giving, and other feelings that demostrated what I felt inside: lonelyness and fear .
My parents didn´t know what to do, so they did nothing, not even a word. But in their minds I know now that they were preoccupied.
Then I started learning about life, couples, sex, values, religion. I read every trashy magazine I got hold of, I saw many PG18 movies , and i was.. 14?, 15? and I tried to absorb from every person I met the most about their feelings, their experience, their thoughts.. in a word, LIFE.
Still there was so much to learn, but a part of me pushed me to follow the right path, the one my family and my surrounding wanted for me. Meeting a nice guy, having a white wedding, having kids, live in a nice tidy house. I wanted this very much too, but on my own way, I guess. Or maybe I just wanted to elope from where I was. I will never know for sure, I just know that everything I ever did I felt in my heart and I was faithful to it.
So after living as much as I could in my teen years, I finally got married by the age of 19. I thought I was mature enough to commit, share a life with someone I loved and pursue my happiness in the meantime. But not all of that was certain. I was mature,yes, but I didn´t really knew myself. I wasn´t FREE.
I wasn´t Free from my fears, from the lack of my personal pride, from my low self-esteem, from my religion and from knowing who I really was inside of me and what i wanted from life I JUST WASN´T FREE FROM MYSELF.
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